I asked myself a lot why I still felt such a strong desire and need to raise a family of my own in this world. And the more I thought about it, the more clear my answer became.
This world may be growing in chaos, but my heart is not. My home still feels like a sacred space where peace abounds in every moment. I see the joy my son has every day, and the joy he brings to me and all those around him. Why would I ever want to miss out on that? Why would I ever give up my greatest joy, out of fear?
We as parents have the capacity to raise this next generation to be strong, brave, kind, loving, and capable human beings that will stand up and shed a little more light on this world. WE have that power! We can teach our children that peace is more than a lofty ideal, and that they can experience inner peace no matter what is going on around them.

(Photo by Whitney Jean Photography)

Going from the depths of depression to the heights of happiness has been the most intense, fervent, and rewarding voyage of my existence. It hasn't come without struggle, or regression, or without a wholehearted effort. So it always surprises me a little when I get asked how I manage to stay so happy all the time - mostly because I was probably the least happy person I knew for that nearly  decade-long fight with depression. Somehow I've managed to find my way out of that darkness and into the greatest joy I've ever known, and I don't think that was random or that it magically happened overnight. As I've taken time to think about how I've gotten to this place of happiness, my answer surprised me. And I thought I'd finally share my answer for those who have asked me this question.

Step 1 -- Make your choice.

Now, if you are in the midst of depression or sadness, I need you to know that I feel for you and I understand the anger and frustration that can come from someone telling you to 'just choose to be happy' - but hear me out.

More and more studies in the world of neuroscience are proving that you can literally rewire your brain through your own conscious thoughts and decisions. As in, you CAN choose what you put in that head space. You choose what power dictates your thoughts. Darkness, or light.

While you do not necessarily have control over the chemical makeup of your body, you DO have control over how long you let the darkness fill your mind. You CAN choose to fight the darkness. You CAN choose. And you WILL beat it.

So the first step to a joyful now -- choose. Make the conscious decision to pursue happiness. Take ownership of your life and that you are the one who decides if you live life or let life happen to you.

Step 2 -- Set limits.

This goes for every aspect of life, but particularly for social media. While I am a huge advocate for the incredible blessings that social media can bring into our lives, I am also keenly aware of how damaging it can be if not used properly.

Limit the time you spend on social media and stick to whatever time limit you've set for yourself. Recognize your triggers, and remove them from your sight when possible. Limit which forms of social media you're on and be aware of what is negatively influencing you. Know why you're logging on, and if it is to distract you from your current thoughts and emotions --- LOG OFF and let yourself feel what you're feeling.

Step 3 -- Spend time in silence.

Whether you pray, meditate, sit silently in nature, or a combination of the three, you have to take time to be silent. I've made it mandatory for myself to take a minimum of 5 minutes a day to meditate. This helps me to stay grounded and centered. I also pray throughout the day, especially when I have bursts of anxiety or sadness. I've found that in those times, the best thing you can do is take a moment to be silent.

Step 4 -- Practice gratitude. 

This has been the absolute biggest game changer in my life. The effects of expressing gratitude are incredible (here's an awesome study on how gratitude effects neural activity)! I personally like to do my gratitude practice on my daily walks with my son, but anything from keeping a gratitude journal to simply verbalizing 5 things you're grateful for every day can and will change your life for the better. Gratitude is the gateway to joy, so make sure you're consciously giving thanks every single day.

Step 5 -- Seek simple joys.

It can be difficult to find anything that brings you joy when you're struggling, which is exactly why you have to start seeking the small things. From reading a good book to having a clean bedroom, beautiful flowers or raspberry lemonade -- seek out the simple joys. Something I did when I found myself succumbing to apathy, was I forced myself to sit down and write 20 things that brought me joy. It took me several hours to come up with the list, but it helped me so much to realize that there really were things in life that brought me joy. If you can find joy in the small things, it makes the big things that much sweeter.


Above all, know that joy is 100% attainable no matter your circumstances, and know that you are absolutely deserving of a joyful now. Don't wait for life to get easier, or things to slow down, or whatever it is that you are telling yourself is keeping you from happiness. Find the root of your negative thoughts and feelings and work from there. The journey from sorrow to joy is not an easy one, but it is more worth it than I can even describe.

I hope these steps can help even just one of you that has asked me about finding joy. They have helped me through the thick of it and continue to help me every day. Don't give up the fight for joy. Don't give up on yourself. Keep going, keep loving, and keep working toward a joyful now. You deserve all the joy in the world, and I promise it's right out there waiting for you, so just reach out and take that first step.

It's been one year since someone I love and adore lost their battle with depression. It's hard to believe that a year has already passed, and it's still hard to believe that they're really gone.

Losing someone to suicide is absolutely devastating, and going through depression dark enough to feel that ending your life is the only escape, is tragic.

I have been in that dark place more than once, and my heart breaks over and over again any time I hear about someone ending their own life, because not only do I know what it's like to lose someone you love, I know what it's like to almost be that person that is lost.

My words fall short every time I try to say what I feel, but I guess what matters most is this:

Be here today.

And be here tomorrow.

If you are in the throws of life, in that darkness that feels all-consuming and impossible to escape...be here today.

There is light and love ready to encircle you.

You are not forgotten, and you are absolutely not alone.

Be here today, please.

Just be here today.

There are so many people ready and willing to provide you with the tools you need to get through this - - - please let them help you, and don't be ashamed of asking for help. You are loved, you are needed, and you are strong enough to get through this, whatever 'this' might be.

Light and love,

McKell

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Online Chat:  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/
My Personal Email: mckell.quilter@gmail.com

It's been quite some time since I posted a little life update, and a lot has happened in the 9 months since my last post! I love being able to look back at all of the different seasons of my life, so even if this post is just for me to see in the future, here's a bit of an update in the life as Mrs.Wilson!
WHAT'S NEW:

-I started working part time at a chiropractor's office last September and have LOVED it. I'm a CA and work 3 hours a day, 4 days a week. It feels like the perfect fit for me! I struggled being a full-time stay at home mom because of the lack of social interaction and isolation. This job fell into my lap at such a critical time and has been such a blessing, especially for my mental health!

-We moved to the farm last month! We feel so blessed to get to stay here on the farm and care for it for a year while Jake's parents are off on their church mission in Arkansas/Missouri. I'm enjoying this season of slow so far and love watching Conrad get to experience a glimpse of what his dad's childhood was like.
-Jake just started a new job a few weeks ago that allows him to do what he loves with much fewer hours! He gets to stay home with Conrad two days a week and says he loves the extra time with his mini-me. It was truly a miracle how everything worked out, and I'm so thankful he took the leap and trusted that God would provide a better way.

WHAT I'M LOVING:

-Kristen Ess everything. Target is winning for me in the realm of hair care, really. Hands down the best shampoo + conditioner, tint, leave-in, etc etc etc everrrrrr.

-Dabbling into videography and vlogging a bit! One of the best parts of having Jake around more is that it allows us to do things we've always wanted to but haven't had the time for. Home videos from my childhood have my heart and I am so excited to better document Conrad's days for him to see in the future. Fingers crossed we get the hang of this video thing soon and I get over my fear of being seen on camera. Maybe someday we'll upload a video or two!

-Meditation & affirmations. I started really getting into this about 4 months ago when I realized that I had a lot of limiting beliefs and that my idea of resting wasn't leaving me well-rested. I carve at least 5 minutes out of my day for meditation and have several lists of affirmations for different emotions and stresses. It has helped me so much to live in a state of peace and ease.

WHAT I'M READING:

-The Success Principles by Jack Canfield. If you haven't read this book yet - go buy it, go read it, and go read it again. It is absolutely life changing and I recommend it to every human being on the world ever, amen.

-Visions of Glory by John Pontius. This one is an LDS-based book, and my goodness was it enlightening. I read all 250+ pages in 3 days because I just couldn't put it down. So much truth, so much power, and a looooootttttt of things to think about. This one shifted my perspective and I loved it so much.

-One Minute Wellness by Dr. Ben Lerner. My boss lent this one to me (thanks Randy:) and while it is primarily about chiropractic care, it has so much amazing knowledge regarding optimal levels of health and natural wellness. I've learned so much about how to better take care of my mind, body, and soul because of this book and it's an interesting read for sure.

WHAT I'M LEARNING:

-It really doesn't matter how kind you are, how hard you're trying to be a good person, or who you are at all. There will always be someone who doesn't like you. That was tough (and still is, really) for me to swallow and accept. I'm trying super hard to move away from being a people-pleaser and focusing my energy on being fully myself and being okay that not everyone will like that (and also letting myself accept that there are people out there who do actually like me for exactly who I am - no people-pleasing needed).

-How crucial it is to embrace boredom and quiet. The more I let myself get bored, the more my creativity flows and I am able to problem-solve at a more rapid rate. Allowing myself more moments of quiet help me to be more in tune and at peace with life as it is.

-A clean home is a happy home, but a sane mom is better. Living out of boxes for a few weeks now has taught me that 1) I should've labeled which box I put my socks in and 2) Aiming for perfection at a time when it isn't attainable is silly, and I don't need to waste my tears on spending every extra second cleaning and organizing. We have what we need, the house is clean enough for now, and it's okay to just sit and read sometimes.
Settling into this new chapter of my life was definitely a struggle at first, but the more I ease into it, the more I am filled with so much joy for where I'm at. I feel like I'm becoming more myself than ever these days, and am finally pursuing my deepest passions and dreams without fear holding me back anymore (more on that later). I'm so thankful for this season of my life and the people in it, and I love my life as Mrs. Wilson.

I believe each of us are born with a life purpose, and I believe that one of the most important things we must all do in life is both discover and honor that purpose.

While I'm still on the path to discovering my own personal life purpose, I do know that if I could give you one word to describe what I honor most in life right now, it's joy. Or rather, the pursuit of joy.

I've always considered myself a happy person, which felt deeply hypocritical to say during the darkest of my years with depression. However, I have always held the belief that we were each created to have joy here on this earth - and that that is actually the point of our very existence: to have joy.
Now I'm not trying to say that I think we were meant to just have joy and only joy in this life. I believe that there's value in trials, even necessity for trials. I truly believe that we must endure sorrow to fully appreciate joy, and that our greatest struggles in life will guide us to the greatest joys in life. The most significant thing I've learned regarding joy, however, is how crucial it is for us to pursue joy despite the pain we experience.

My life, and I am sure your life as well, has been filled with a lot of pain. From the big trials to the small trials, and all the way to the ones that have brought me to my knees in despair, I get that it's not always easy to even want to pursue joy. I get that there are moments in life that knock us down so hard we feel that even breathing is too heavy of a burden, but even in those moments of anguish, we each have the power to continue on. We have the power to choose to pick ourselves back up, rise above the sorrow, and begin to heal.

We have the power to chase contentment, and we have the power to create a life for ourselves that is not only happy, but joyous. 
I wish I could adequately express to you how profoundly better my life has become since I truly discovered that I could still live joyfully despite my struggles, and even during my struggles. I wish I could better describe to you the hope, gratitude, and peace I feel knowing that we were each innately designed to have joy.

But I hope that if you are currently in a season of sorrow or pain, that you know how incredibly loved you are, and that there is joy in store for you - and lots of it. I hope that if you're reading this and can't remember what joy feels like, that you will fight for that feeling with everything you have, and that you won't give up on pursuing joy today. I promise you it's worth the pursuit. It's worth the struggle, it's worth the tears, it's worth the pain. And I think it's important that I remind you of that.

So I guess maybe that is my life purpose...to have joy and to share joy. Because my goodness, I have never before felt so compelled to simply share the joy I feel. I've never been this happy in my life, and I know it is because I intentionally choose to pursue joy every single day. So whether you're in the trenches of trial or the pinnacle of peace, I hope you know how deserving you are of joy. I hope you know that you were meant to have joy in this life, and that you can pursue joy despite the pain.

I know that many of us are left with hollow feelings as we read the news each day. It can feel overwhelming and downright depressing as we hear day after day of yet another tragedy. Another crime. Another source of pain.

I recognize that so many are questioning, where do we go from here? How can we help?

So, might I suggest starting where each of us are at --- right now. Many are capable of donating time, talents, and resources to those in need - do such. Many of us simply need a message of hope - seek those, share those. And many of us are wondering what comes next.

Well, next, we serve. And we lift. And we love.

We reach out to those close to us and we love them. And we show gratitude for them. And we grieve as we need to, and then we allow ourselves to seek and feel joy once more.

If you, like me, are struggling to feel joy in times like these, take heart. Though there is undoubtedly evil in this world, there is more good. There will always be more good.

So, be that good. Share that light. Build others up - willingly and lovingly. Continue to be kind. Continue to believe that there are great days ahead of us regardless of any tragedy we may face. Never surrender to the darkness.
And don't give up on this world just yet.


I believe in people.

I believe in the inherent goodness that exists in each of us.

I believe in a Heavenly Father who loves each and every one of His children.

I believe in hope for the future.

I believe in peaceful days and peaceful hearts.

I will never stop believing that there will always be more good in this world than evil.

And that's what gets me through times like these.

"In the game of life a second effort is often required. The happy life is not ushered in at any age to the sound of drums and trumpets. It grows upon us year by year, little by little, until at last we realize that we have it. It is achieved in individuals not by flights to the moon or Mars, but by a body of work done so well that we can lift our heads with assurance and look the world in the eye. Of this be sure: You do not find the happy life...you make it." - Faces and Attitudes

"We were not placed on this earth to walk alone." - We Never Walk Alone

"From the depths of my soul and in all humility, I testify of the great gift which is our Father's plan for us. It is the one perfect path to peace and happiness." - The Perfect Path to Happiness

"Our responsibility is to rise from mediocrity to competence, from failure to achievement. Our task is to become our best selves. One of God's greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again, for no failure ever need be final." -The Will Within

"Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family." - Finding Joy in the Journey

"He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face." - Looking Back and Moving Forward

"Rather than being judgmental and critical of each other, may we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travelers in this journey through life." - Charity Never Faileth

"I plead with you to have the courage to refrain from judging and criticizing those around you, as well as the courage to make certain everyone is included and feels loved and valued." - May You Have Courage

"Remember, you are never alone. Never forget that you are loved. Never doubt that someone surely cares for you." - A Time to Choose