Forgiving My Abuser: Me Too - Life as Mrs. Wilson

17 October, 2017

Forgiving My Abuser: Me Too

I'm sure many of you, like me, have seen two words showing up all over your social media feeds: me too. These words represent the thousands of women, and men, who have been affected by sexual harassment, assault, and abuse. It's been several years since my experience with sexual abuse, and it's something I never thought I'd share, but after reading post after post stating "me too" I felt that maybe it was time for me to share what has silently weighed on my heart for years now.

When I was still in my teens, I found myself trapped in an abusive relationship. It started out with manipulation, then forced isolation, and soon enough I found myself being emotionally abused on a daily basis. When that emotional abuse turned to sexual abuse, I reached a low point. I felt trapped, and worthless, and I believed the threats that my boyfriend would spit out any time I would attempt to end the relationship. I was left fearful, and for a while, I just accepted that I would be stuck with him until I ended my own life.

I hesitate to share that, because it truly was such a dark time in my life, but it still is part of my story. But eventually, I was able to successfully end the relationship and I am forever thankful that I found the courage to continue my life, free of abuse. 

However, emotional scars lasted beyond the relationship's timeline, and I was consumed with resentment and bitterness. Not only did I hold a great amount of resentment toward my ex, I began to resent myself for staying as long as I did. I began to blame myself - could I have done more? Was it my fault? And while I soon realized that it wasn't my fault and that it really was abuse that I went through, I still held on to the anger towards my abuser.

I held resentment toward him even after I got married, because I would sometimes find myself flinching when my husband would hug me. I knew my husband would never hurt me, but the scars from the abuse still lingered, and still affected me.

And while I admit that I still have those moments of fear even now, my heart is different. And that's because I've forgiven him.

I've forgiven the man who hurt me in so many more ways than he might ever know. I've forgiven him not because I dismiss what he did, but because my heart just couldn't take that bitterness anymore. I physically could not hold on to that anger any longer.

It has taken a lot of tears, and a lot prayers, and a lot of TIME to get to a point of peace. To be in a place where I can even write a glimpse of what I've experienced. But I'm here, and I forgive him, and I'm moving forward. 

This post does not come without fear. It doesn't come without hesitation that I'm sharing too much, or that I may not be ready for people to know that I am numbered among the me too's. But I feel compelled to share because if you are reading this and want desperately to let go of the resentment you have toward your abuser, I want you to know that it is possible to forgive them. And it is possible to heal and to feel whole again.

Whatever harassment, or assault, or abuse you've endured - you can be healed. Know that you're not alone, and know that you have someone to lean on. I hope with all my heart that you will find peace, and that when I say that I have forgiven my abuser, you can also one day say, "me too."
If you want to know exactly how I've found peace and healing from abuse, this article explains it beautifully. 

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