Yesterday marked one month since I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy, and it has been such a life changing experience. There have been some pretty dark days; days where I couldn't see any worth in myself, days when I dreaded looking in the mirror because I despised what I saw. There have been moments of absolute agony, but there have also been moments of self realization and triumph. It has been difficult for me to put this experience into words, but it's an experience I know I will look back on with gratitude for the chance Heavenly Father has given me to learn and grow.

 For those that don't know what Bell's Palsy is, it is paralysis of the facial nerve. So, one side of my face is completely paralyzed. It has caused problems with my vision, hearing, and taste and is pretty painful to be honest. So to wake up one day (my two year wedding anniversary of all days) with half of my face paralyzed, no sight in my left eye, and my hearing gone in the left ear...I was terrified. Thankfully, I was able to get to my doctor the same day and figure out what was going on. I was told that the stress of pregnancy was the cause of my Bell's Palsy (I was 38 weeks pregnant when this happened) and that it could take anywhere from 2 weeks to 1 year to heal - which isn't exactly what a 38 week pregnant lady wants to hear when she's already not feeling too great. But I was thankful to know that the outlook was good regardless.

The first few days I was able to remain pretty positive and even joke about my paralyzed face, but when a week had passed by and there was still no visible progress, my attitude changed completely. I was so emotionally worn down and began to lose hope. My head was (and sometimes still is) filled with all the dark, ugly thoughts imaginable. I was so filled with fear and self hatred. I worried that my face would never heal. I worried that my husband would stop loving me. I was afraid that the first time my son saw me when he was born he would be scared of how I look. That he wouldn't see beauty or happiness but rather a stone cold face that could only move in disfigured ways..that his mom would be ugly to him. I feared I would never be able to smile again..that my son would never see me smile. I especially feared that I would never even feel like trying to smile again. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of my face. I hid my face as much as possible and my quality of life continued to go down.

The day came when my son was born, and though things were slightly improving, my face still hadn't returned to normal. He was so beautiful and I wanted so desperately to see him clearly instead of through blurred vision. I refused to let anyone take pictures of me because I was so embarrassed of my face. I'm still not quite ready to share everything that happened the day Conrad was born, but when the nurse took him to the NICU and told me something was wrong with his heart, I felt I had no more strength within me at all. Anything that was holding me together at that point was shattered. This was the first time in my life that I really had the "Why Me" argument with my Heavenly Father. I was so angry that He hadn't healed my face. I was so angry that I didn't get to have the birth experience I wanted. I was so scared for my baby. I was bitter and broken. This wasn't what I had pictured for my life.

Those days and nights in the hospital were so raw and draining. I had nowhere to turn except back to God. I felt so sorrowful I knew the only way to survive was to start praying - to start desperately praying. I pleaded with the Lord to help me see things as they really are, to feel joy again, to feel whole again. I quit asking Him to fix my face or to fix my problems, and started asking for insight and peace instead. And soon enough, I started to feel a change within myself.

I remember at one point getting out of the hospital bed around 3 AM to go see my baby in the NICU and passing by a mirror, and for the first time in a long time I didn't hate what I saw. Because instead of seeing an ugly face that couldn't smile, I saw a mom who loved her son more than anything and was doing her best to care for him. It began to matter less to me what I looked like and mattered more what I felt like and who I was as a person. It mattered more that I was becoming closer to my Heavenly Father than the fact that I couldn't physically smile. Because even though I couldn't express my emotions through my face, I could still verbally convey my feelings and have joy.

Soon enough, we were able to bring our Conrad James home and life started to calm down a bit. Gradually, I cared less about how I looked and cared more about how I acted. Instead of feeling bitterness for not looking the way I wanted, I began to appreciate my body for its ability to start functioning again. Progress is so slow but little by little, I am starting to heal.

 I guess what I'm really trying to say is, I took my smile for granted until I physically could not smile anymore. I never appreciated my body or my smile until I got Bell's Palsy. I never appreciated the ability to express my emotions through my face alone. I never appreciated being able to eat and drink with ease. I never appreciated my hearing or my sight. It took losing the ability to do those things for me to truly appreciate my body and what it can do.

God has created us all with love and care. Appreciate your body. Appreciate your abilities. Appreciate your unique smile and attributes. While I still miss the way my face used to be and what it was like to properly smile, I am at ease with how I am in this moment. Because there's more to me than just my smile. Because there's more to life than physical appearance. Because I refuse to let Bell's Palsy ruin my life.

Our first picture together as a family of 3

About a month after I found out I was pregnant, a friend of mine broke the news that she had miscarried. This girl has been one of the biggest examples in my life for years, and I was completely devastated for her. Why did she have to go through this and I got to stay pregnant? This isn't fair, I thought. I felt completely and utterly undeserving of the magnificent blessing that had been bestowed upon me. I felt it was unfair to those who were struggling with infertility and that I just didn't deserve to be pregnant. I felt guilty and extremely inconsiderate to those that struggled when I publicly announced my pregnancy. Even with the indescribable joy that I felt from being pregnant, I was completely swamped with those feelings of guilt. I couldn't seem to shake those feelings until a conversation with my husband changed my mindset completely. He sat me down one day and simply told me, "That's not your trial. We have other trials, this just isn't one of them." The words were so simple, but it really made me take a step back and think.

This past month has been such a battle. There have been many days where I've gotten to the point of struggling to find purpose in life again, and I have spent several nights restless with feelings of sadness, despair, and overwhelming fear. But about a week ago, I had one of the most spiritual and powerful experiences in my life, and it completely changed me for the better. Since then, I've had several strong promptings to share this experience with others but have fought those feelings, particularly as I consider the sacred nature of what happened. However, I trust that when I am prompted to do something, I must faithfully follow. So, a few days ago at about 4:00 in the morning, all of my negative feelings seemed to amplify at once. Just as those emotions were becoming increasingly unbearable, I saw a figure walk toward my bedside. I could not distinguish his facial features but saw that he had light brown hair and seemed to be in his twenties. I felt no fear in seeing this figure, but was calm and reassured that all was well. As he got closer to me, I was overwhelmed with love and peace. He knelt down and hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, then slowly walked away. Though I had never seen him before, I knew exactly who the figure was.
He was my son. I was completely filled with love, peace, and hope for the future, and was soon able to fall asleep. Since then, I have felt nothing but absolute tranquility.

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom.
This past November, my doctor suggested going off of birth control for 3 months because of the many adverse effects on my health that I had experienced using the medication. I felt this was the best decision for the time being as well. Jake and I had discussed the possibility of 'just seeing what happened', but quickly decided against it and continued on with the plan that we would try to start a family once I graduated. That plan obviously didn't work out, and honestly, we couldn't be more excited! We know that this was not a mistake and that this is the exact time our son is meant to come to earth. While you know that I am beyond excited for this little boy, here's the part of the story you don't know.
On the morning of January 13th, I went to take my prescriptions as I had done nearly every morning for the past 6 years. However, as I began to lift up the bottles, I felt a force, as if it were a palpable hand, pushing my hand back down. I physically could not pick up my medicine. It was so bizarre to me that I attempted to pick up my medications three more times before realizing that whatever this force was, was very real and that I really was not going to be able to take my medicine that day.
 So, I didn't take my medicine and questioned why in the world that would happen or how it could happen at all. It only took about 7 hours from that time for my body to suffer. Intense withdrawals began; my body shook and I was more nauseated than I had been in my whole life. The next day came, same thing. I could not take my medicine. I found it odd and frustrating but continued on with my day. The withdrawals got worse as the days went on, and the next two weeks after I stopped taking my medicine were arguably the hardest of my life. It felt like my body was shutting down. Why was this happening? I didn't want to discuss it with a doctor - I knew it wouldn't make sense why I was doing this (it hardly made sense to me). However, two weeks and one day later, it all became extremely clear.
Throughout those two weeks, I was constantly questioning why I had to go through this. Why in the world could I not take my medication? I would have little thoughts pop in my head that maybe I was pregnant, but I quickly brushed those thoughts away. There was no way I could be pregnant this quick without trying!
But, two weeks and one day after I had stopped taking my medicine, I took a test. I took a pregnancy test that morning because I had a box of them 'just in case'. So, I took the test as more of a "well, it's the last one in the box, might as well get rid of it" sort of notion. Within seconds, the test showed I was pregnant. I was in shock, but at the same time it all made sense. I told Jacob immediately and he was thrilled. We couldn't have been more excited! We were both so surprised, but so overjoyed. We knew immediately that this was the will of God and that this happened for a definite reason. We had both wanted to be parents for so long, and though we had intended on trying to become parents much later on in life, those hesitant thoughts soon melted away.
I'm so beyond thankful for whatever divine intervention caused me to stop taking my medicine. The crazy thing is, after calculating my due date and all parts of the equation, it added up to my conception date being the very day before I stopped taking my medicine. I know without a doubt that the Lord is deeply involved in the very details of our lives. He knew that all three of my prescriptions were deemed unsafe for me to take while pregnant, and intervened so I could have the healthiest possible pregnancy to bring our sweet son to this earth.
My testimony of the healing power of the atonement has grown exponentially since this experience. I always knew that the atonement heals us emotionally, but I always seemed to forget the physical healing powers of the atonement. I still struggle with my depression and anxiety, but so much of it has been lifted. I no longer need any medications to manage my health problems, and I feel that I will never need to take those medications again. My heart feels strong, physically and emotionally. My thoughts of suicide have nearly diminished. My body is healing, because of Him. Because of Him, I can carry this child with confidence.
I never thought I would be free of taking prescriptions - and I definitely don't intend for those that read this to believe that all physical ailments are resolved through the atonement in this life; I do believe that pharmaceuticals can be a necessity and absolute blessing. But for whatever reason, I believe that Heavenly Father saw fit for these ailments to be lifted from me through the atonement, and I am beyond thankful and blessed.
 So, there's the part of the story you didn't know - the part that I never thought I'd share. The thing is though, the atonement is so much more than we can possibly comprehend. Miracles surround us daily. The atonement has the power to heal us in all aspects of life: emotional, mental, physical. The healing of bodies is not just found in scripture. It is here, now. I know this more now than ever before. I am continually amazed by the power this gospel truly holds. It is true! It really is. 

For the past few months, my main focus of study in the gospel has been Christlike attributes, and when I finished studying each individual attribute I found myself pondering attributes from a whole different perspective. If there is a list of specific attributes of Christ, is there a list of specific attributes of Satan? If there are Christlike attributes, what are some Satanlike attributes? From careful study and prayer, this is the list that I have felt inspired to compile:

sorry for sharing this happy memory that happened to be captured through a grainy picture.

I mean, I get it. Good quality pictures are awesome and I try to take them myself, but that's not always how life works. Most of the time, we just have our cellphones on hand and do our best to capture all the sweet moments that life has to offer.
So we make a great memory and we want to capture it - and that's great! But then we go home, take a look at those pictures, and put a bunch of filters on them to try and make them salvageable to post but if they just aren't 'up to standard' we either apologize or delete the pictures altogether...Why does a picture need to look perfect to share with others?
When did sharing pictures on social media become a competition...a place to prove we can take clear pictures with perfect backdrops? Isn't the point of social media to share our memories and moments with those we care about? 

sorry for hurting your eyes with this sub-par photograph of my husband and me.

So take pictures...take lots of pictures! And if you want to share a memory with the world, DO IT. Quit tucking away your grainy pictures just because you're afraid people will judge you for posting them. I promise you I won't, and I'm pretty sure no one else will either.

At the start of every year, I like to take a moment to reflect upon my growth throughout the year before. And as hard as it is to admit, 2015 was a year of spiritual regression for me. I began the year with an unshakable testimony and a steady devotion to scripture study and temple attendance. However, as life became hectic, my priorities shifted and I felt that I was stuck in 'survival mode' - and still struggle with feeling that way now. It has been a tough realization, and that realization has brought on trials of its own. Now that I realize how apathetic I have become to church activity, I recognize the need for change. And because of that, life. has. been. tough.
My first thoughts were to stick it out and that I would just begin to dive back into the gospel after my sadness faded. But I soon realized that that's not what the gospel is about at all. I realized that the gospel is there for us NOW. In those moments of sadness and sorrow, Christ IS there to help us through. Christ is waiting for us to talk to Him about our pains and our trials, for as He helps to lift our burden, His burden is in turn lifted as well.
Jesus the Christ died for you and for me, and he has felt exactly what we have gone through, are going through now, and what we will go through in the future. Our Savior -- MY Savior -- has felt precisely what I am feeling in this exact moment. And as I have lived through my darkest moments, He has been there to hold my hand and feel that pain with me as I am feeling it. So when I beckon to Him for help, He is then enabled to lift my burden as well as His own, and how incredible is that?! The Savior Himself is aware of our very emotions and understands them at an even deeper level than we ourselves can comprehend. He lives! He lives to comfort me, always. And with that constant comfort, how can I possibly remain sorrowful?
Through Christ, I can and will conquer every trial that besets me - and you will too. Life is hard, but of one thing I am sure: Light shall always conquer. I finally see that now. I see that joy always comes after sorrow. Light is never out of reach. And there is a loving Father in Heaven as well as a loving Savior who are waiting and willing to help each of us through everything. Everything! So fear not, be steadfast, and be believing. Christ IS there, and I am determined to make this year a year of progression. And when I have those inevitable moments of regression, I know that my Savior will help me and lift me higher than before.
The gospel is here for us now. So again, fear not! Light can always be found in dark moments with the help of our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, and of these things I know.